I set off on Monday morning satisfied I was totally prepared for this conference – my workshop researched and my main hall talk reflected on. I’d prayed, taken inventory, examined the purity of my motives (mixed as always, but bordering on the ok) and bought a new leather jacket (TJ Hughes, incredible bargain and karmic resolution – I’d wanted one since I was 16). I set off with confidence and purpose – and arrived at the wrong venue. I’d checked the agenda, knew when I spoke and what I spoke on – but where, I had no idea. So much for 18 years of recovery – the cunning and baffling spectre of unmanageability still very much alive.
A client from Sharp called Ruth (where I went by mistake like a homing pigeon) became my saviour, my benefactress. She (when I was inwardly panicking) kept a cool logical head and guided me to the Gateway and from there to the Maryland centre. At both places workers bent over backwards to help me. The Maryland got the key info from Parkview and suddenly everything was ok. Ruth saw me into a taxi by the Phil and 10 minutes later I was in the main hall at LACE surveying the rapidly filling hall.
To my consternation I noticed the first 3 rows (the best seats) had RESERVED on them. My immediate assumption –“probably for NTA dignitaries, politicians et al, the usual mob of freeloaders on the make”.
“They’re for graduates of Sharp and Park View – that’s what this conference is about” said Jac calmly, in response to my belligerent approach.
I took my seat on the main table. A silence – then the haunting sound of bagpipes playing Amazing Grace. The tall dignified figure of the piper, fully accoutred in kilt and all, led a line of equally dignified men and women who walked proudly, solemnly, up the aisle and silently took their seats – at the front, where they should be.
These were the people we were here to celebrate – the impossible people, the so-called hopeless cases become full of hope. Each one a miracle. Difficult not to speculate how many more potential miracles never made it ‘cause no-one told ‘em it was possible, no-one was prepared to offer them the information that total abstinence works and 12 step treatment was available at Sharp Liverpool and Park View.
As I listen to the presentations from the various luminaries from the National Treatment Agency (the scaffolding that came after the building was built then told us how to do it) and others - among all the admittedly if belatedly encouraging words the phrase that triggers me, twice used from the platform then reiterated later in my workshop, and each time accompanied by sage noddings of approval from a constellation of dullards, is “forcing people too quickly into total abstinence”.
It’s such transparent bollocks. Whether people are ready or not is none of our business. We have no right to deny them the information, or the space, to find that out for themselves. As usual I’m outwardly polite and accommodating, then and later in the melee of questions, but part of me burns with the implied arrogance of denying the client total abstinence “because he may think he’s ready but we as professionals can see he’s maybe not”.
This from people working in the field is stupid and unforgiveable. So why do they do it, how do they justify withholding information because the possibility of recovery exceeds their understanding? All under the guise of helping the service user make “informed” (by them) choices. I smell spin. I smell fear. I smell oppression by stealth. My negative assumptions aside there’s clearly a case to answer.
Anyway, I force myself to come back to a loving place and acknowledge that adversarial tactics simply isolate and alienate further – then I catch myself and think this is how we work with vulnerable clients. But these are workers. They are supposed to be more robust than the clients they work with. How come their egos are so fragile? How come we have to be diplomatic and walk on eggshells around drug organisations, local politicians and the like? Why is robust discussion or debate so threatening? I actually don’t walk on eggshells round clients because it would be disrespectful, would deny the greatness in them, so why do I do it round these? Has it ever worked? No!
So, here’s what the day brought me, the realization that it doesn’t matter what your ideology is - total abstinence, minimum harm, or maximum harm, less harm, no harm or recovery - you’ve got to honestly allow the client choice by providing the information without prejudice or spin, and if you haven’t got the information then go out and fucking well find it. Do your research, do your job with integrity. Anything else is dereliction of duty. Any worker in the caring profession who condemns an established successful route to freedom like 12 step treatment on hearsay is denying clients the chance of life. It amounts to criminal neglect. In short we cannot project our prejudices onto clients. They deserve better. And we need to be prepared to look at ourselves. What are we afraid of? What’s our investment in keeping people sick? There’s a school of thought that would view this as a covert form of oppression, a denial of voice and power to those at the suffering edge of the economy … and I’d be hard-pressed not to agree.
There is HopeIn my workshop a man who had been instrumental in the methadone response of the ‘80’s and before ("The Diconal Years" he accurately called it) responsible for Peanut Pete and all those excellent Lifelines Mancunian comics (harm minimisation at its best – saved lives) - this man said a profound thing.
“Maybe my resistance to total abstinence was related to my own undiagnosed depression – and maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe others let their own lack of hope get in the way of offering hope to others. Maybe hope is anathema to the sick; and maybe we are the sick, hiding behind our clients”.
There was an uneasy silence in the room, some open faces, some tightly folded arms, a mixture of resistance and excitement. The old adage is as true now as it ever was -“Physician, heal thyself”.
If we are not prepared to look at ourselves, be accountable for our actions, soberly examine our motives, then we are in danger of doing harm and in turning the helping profession into the hiding profession.
AcknowledgementsDelight for me in hearing former clients Mary and Georgina speak; radiant, powerful women with a voice, pioneers of Sharp and Parkview. Delight seeing other familiar faces – Nicky for one - still clean and sober. And of course Carl Edwards, as usual a powerful understated manner that radiates authority and compassion. Jacquie (Sharp Lpool manager) - human, fiercely passionate and professionally - peerlessly formidable. As Carl rightly said, the conference was a tribute to her formidable organisational and motivational skills.
And of course, good to see Tristan Millington-Drake the man who single-handedly made residential secondary treatment available for men and women in London (18 years ago) – and started the first community-based day treatment programme (Sharp 15 years ago). He was accompanied by Nick Barton CEO of Clouds House and now joint CEO of Action on Addiction, treatment head Kirby Gregory and Brian Wells, consultant Psychiatrist. Passionate, informed and uncompromising, all have been instrumental in making 12 step treatment a reality in this country and accessible to anyone. Their involvement bodes well for the future of the new organisation Action on Addiction. And, of course, Team Sharp Liverpool – June, Maria, Joe and Ross (Fernando was holding the fort back at Rodney Street).
The candle-lit vigil at the end of the conference(when the names of those who’d died of this terrible disease were recalled) brought a well of memories flooding up, all the names I could add to those spoken, so I’m putting them here ‘cause they too deserve to be heard. Oh, and a special mention for both the guys from the NTA – Paul Hayes, who spoke clearly, knowledgeably and honestly about addiction without bullshit or sentiment and Mark Gilman who disarmed me with his willingness to speak courageously and honestly about himself and his work in my workshop. Thanks Mark, as you’ve already realised – this is an inside job. If we aren’t willing to be curious about ourselves (and also be accepting of our own actions) we’ll simply project our own fears into the people we’re trying to help. Open-mindedness, willingness and honesty.
I survived. These guys didn’t -
Robert ‘Chas’ chandler
Geoff ‘rollo’rawlinson
Robert ‘Mecky’ Metcalfe
Peter ‘Kav’ Kavanagh
Kevin O’ Donovan
Chrissie Booth
Bobby Nyo
Rest in Peace
There are many more
Simply
"Missing"
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